One year ago, I was halfway through my first semester of college. I had failed my first multivariable calculus midterm, was doing mediocre in organic chemistry, and spent most of my time (outside of classes) hunched over the desk in my dorm room – filling looseleaf pages with notes and dozens of practice problems, hoping that I would do better on the next exam. 

Looking back, here’s what I wish I knew: the college journey is going to be confusing, and there’s no escaping that. I tried to avoid being confused by studying ahead for my classes before the semester started, planning out a sample schedule for myself, and researching what clubs to join. 

Yet, I still found myself unsure of how to study effectively and I had to un-learn and re-learn a lot. Instead of trying to escape confusion, I’ve learned that it’s better to embrace it. The biggest asset is not knowing everything beforehand, but figuring out how to adapt on the spot. I realized that I’m not invincible to failure, and that it’s better to fail faster. Sometimes, things have to fall apart before they start piecing themselves back together. 

I’ve received – and seen online – a lot of conventional advice for succeeding in college: staying on top of assignments, tracking everything in a calendar, going to office hours, not procrastinating, finding an organization to join that would help get a break from schoolwork, and the list goes on. I checked off the items on this list, but felt that it wasn’t enough. Filling in these gaps is where I had to learn to adapt and carve out my own path.

The Power of Conversations 

During the first few weeks of college, a lot of emphasis is placed on working hard – whether that was doing homework, pre-reading lecture material, being attentive in lecture or going to office hours. I’ve read so much about optimizing for productivity and tried to implement that ideal myself – mapping out each day and striving to make the most out of every waking moment – but now realize that I was optimizing for the wrong thing. 

Believe it or not, the days where I was very productive – where my Google Calendar was filled back to back – all blur together, and I don’t remember them that well. I don’t believe that I learned the most when I was aiming for peak productivity (though, sometimes, doing so and being fully focused was necessary when studying for an exam). Rather, the real moments of learning came from conversations. These moments were often spontaneous; I fondly remember how a conversation with my linear algebra professor steered from eigenvalues to the red Swingline stapler seen in the movie, Office Space, and then to advances in deep learning for image processing. Then there was the time when I ran into a friend in the cafe (I went there to finish some practice problems) and we ended up talking about everything and anything, with insights on biomedical engineering research and coursework sprinkled in. 

When it came to studying, reviewing material with friends tended to be more effective – we all saw concepts in unique ways, allowing us to to collectively deepen our understanding. I learned to see problems from different angles, and my outlook on schoolwork and exams changed. I didn’t have to stress over them; rather, they were challenges to overcome and interesting problems to solve, which I was capable of doing with a support system of professors, teaching assistants, and “study buddies” in place. 

In addition, joining organizations and attending events created opportunities for conversation with upperclassmen, allowing me to gain advice on the college experience. Conversations don’t always provide the answers we’re seeking; yet, they’ve helped me ask more informed questions about the word, fueling my learning. More importantly, they build connections, and this is often what we find memorable going forward. 

Learning When to Say Yes & No  

It’s easy to say “yes” to opportunities in college, because the alternative – sitting down and figuring out what we truly want to accomplish – is harder. I wish I spent more time checking in with myself: do I enjoy what I’m doing, or does it feel right because everyone else around me says it is? 

Often, many opportunities in college don’t turn out to be as good as we think they are. I remember joining a student-run volunteer engineering organization on campus at the beginning of my freshman year since I wanted to create something meaningful. Even though steady progress was made initially, the club’s leadership got busy and projects lost momentum. I realized that if my goal was to bring an idea to life – whether it was an app, a game, or the like – and learn from the experience, I didn’t have to say “yes” to the student organizations on campus. Instead, I could dedicate time to pursue that and explore university-affiliated resources if I wanted to. 

However, during the first couple weeks of college, it was important to say “yes” to whatever came my way – namely interest meetings, program applications, and mailing lists – so that I could explore the landscape of opportunities with an open mind, before deciding what to focus on. 

My freshman year of college could have branched out in numerous directions – some better than others. Being confused is often seen as a negative, but for me, embracing it was key. Holding on to questions and doubts meant that I explored each of them one by one, walking down various paths and even going back to the drawing board at times. 

The constant, ongoing tug-of-war between feeling confused and trying to climb out of that state to find clarity was what carried me forward.